QIS

“My family was having a casual gathering once, nothing special, just family spending some time together. But it wrecked my nerves to think about meeting as many people as I would and what they would think of me. I wanted to tell my dad that I can’t go but it was irrational not to so I told myself it was going to be fine. But I panicked on what to wear, I panicked about what people would think about my outfit, I panicked about what to talk once I faced my relatives and it goes on and on. I found myself, overthinking and analyzing even the littlest of thing, irrelevant things, thing that you would casually tell me don’t matter. But here’s the thing, I can’t make it stop. Between loud noises and the door slams, I spent the sleepless night with a distant ache in my chest and the unspoken thoughts in my head. When my parents decided to break their marriage, I felt, oddly enough, glad. I realized it was a good thing to do. Over a long enough period of time living with someone – spending nearly all your days and all your life with them, paying bills, chasing kid around and running a home, it’s not impossible that you come to resent that person. There were times people told me to ‘calm down’, or “You’re not really sick, it’s all in your head.” And trust me, I’ve tried believing them. I’ve tried ignoring it, busying myself with reading, listening to music, or just doing the chores. But it just won’t go away. It stays right there, behind you, following you, waiting until you finally give in and it can start gnawing at your skin. “It’s all in your head…” Right now in this moment, if anyone ever ask me about my past, they feel sorry, but they don’t have to. My heart is full and I have no words to describe my upbringing other than to say that I was incredibly blessed to be given people who care about me, and whom I care so much about. At some point we all feel like nobody gives a shit but please, believe me when I say that there are people out there who care about you, who want you to be safe, who worry about you, who love you. My sister knows about my mental state and she understands, she helps me get through every day. I want you to talk about how you feel with people you love because not talking about only gives the disorder more leverage. Maybe there will always be scars, maybe there will always be a memory of this pain, but there will always be an open window, let yourself out for a while, speak up, talk about it and someone or the other will understand. And maybe, that would just be enough.”